Good Fences

“Good fences make good neighbors” is an oft-quoted adage. This simple phrase can have many interpretations. On the site UsingEnglish.com, the definition is given as “it is better for people to mind their own business and to respect the privacy of others.” To me, it means well-demarcated boundaries improve relationships.

Boundaries can improve relationships both at home and at work. For instance, what grown child would appreciate their parents arriving unannounced at their abode or, even worse, letting themselves in to their child’s home, assuming they had a key? At a certain age, children realize that they do not want their lives to be an open book into which their parents can browse. Children, too, need to realize that once they leave home, they cannot come and go into their previous houses the same way they once did. Parents also appreciate being prepared before the arrival of their progeny and they don’t take kindly to their homes being treated like a crash pad with dirty towels left on the bathroom floor, just like in the good old days. It is easy to fall into teenagedom in your parents’ environment but one should resist the urge. 

Years ago I read several studies showing that people are happier working jobs where the individual responsibilities of that job are spelled out. If I have to negotiate daily what I should and shouldn’t be doing at work, it is certainly a waste of emotional energy. If I overachieve, I feel resentful that I did all the work and what-the-hell were you doing; and if I do less, I feel guilty and jealous that you will get all the credit. If I know the job description, that’s all I need to perform without having to second-guess how I'm doing.

Spouses also need boundaries. For this, communication is a must. I can’t guess what makes you angry. You will have to tell me and, of course, I should respect your feelings, not belittle them. The more you know someone, the easier it is to destroy him. You know the beams on which his fragile ego lies. (All egos are frail.) Thus, there are some places you should never go and some things that you can never take back. SO DON’T SAY THEM. When my son was a little boy and was mad at my husband, a composer by trade, he told him he hated his music. This made my husband and me roar, because it really was very savvy for a child who wished to be hurtful. If I told my husband I thought he was a hack composer or he told me he had never like my cooking or thought I was a miserable excuse for a physician, it might not be so funny. How about the people who say in anger, “And I never loved you.” Remember that word boundaries? 

If communication is not possible and there is not room for compromise, then we are left with the take-it-or-leave-it option. This may be acceptable if we have advanced warning, but we don’t want to hear our new office cleaner saying, “I don’t do floors or windows” six weeks after being hired. This should be discussed when considering the employment of said worker. Fences only work if the placement of those fences is agreed upon by those on either side. Obviously, this means all parties must be informed. Unfortunately, unwritten boundaries like “No wife of mine works out of the house” or “The man always drives”  may be discussed only after the marriage agreement has been signed and the take-it-or-leave-it option is a little less doable. This is when boundaries can become tyrannical.

Children’s behavior is another area where limits should be clearly set and not arcane or hard to figure out. These limits, unlike those between adults, are not something decided between consenting parties. When my kids were little I would often marvel at their friends’ parents who would be trying to negotiate with a screaming and irascible three year-old at our house. Please throw the kid over your shoulder and take the kid home. It is not okay to throw a temper tantrum at someone else’s house whenever you don’t get your own way.  Some types of behavior are just off-limit. Maybe if more physicians learned this as children, there would be less of them screaming in the O.R. or throwing hissy fits on the Labor-and-Delivery room floor.  

Boundaries can sometimes be detrimental, though,especially when they are used to keep children ignorant. Children learn the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” rule very fast. They sense, even when they are not told outright, what topics should not be discussed. It is incredible how efficiently unwritten laws get written into a child’s script. When it comes to behavior this can be good, but sometimes this is why children are in the dark when it comes to the one-act play in which they have a role. My husband’s family left Germany in 1938. He said he was told that this was because his grandparents ran a progressive boarding school. When I suggested to him years ago that maybe it was because they were Jewish (though non-practicing), he got angry at me. (He now is astonished at his previous ignorance.) More likely, the exodus from Germany was not up for discussion. Given no plausible explanation, my husband may have even substituted the “progressive school” explanation himself. Not-up-for-discussion can bury a lot of family history that needs to be aired.  

There are also some instances when delineation can interfere with adaptation. For instance, couples with less rigidly-defined sex roles seem to be able to roll with the punches over time more effectively than those where roles are set in stone. If one person is laid off, the other still brings in an income. If the primary caretaker is ill, the other partner still knows how to cook a meal or where the diaper pail is. Likewise, when parents or grown children are ill, they may have to reverse roles or get into each other’s intimate spaces to help out. As important as boundaries are, one must know when to drop them! 

So, what’s the take-home message? Good fences make good neighbors when both neighbors know where the fences are and agree upon the placement. Try, however, not to use those fences to protect yourself from intimacy with your children and friends. Let others know when they trespass and respect when they tell you that you are over the line. All this might take a lifetime. 
Good luck.

 

Comments

[debra starkman-zdyrko]

Kept checking for your new post, I look so forward to your insights, they are always right on point! This absolutely hits the nail on the head.........Let's all remember our own personal fences, don't build them so high that those we hold dear can not gain access.

Btw - not only are you one of my favorite bloggers, you are most certainly my very favorite Dr.

Be well, and hope you are recuperating from your carpal tunnel......See you next month

Happy & A Healthy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

Debbie Starkman

[Caroline Hagood]

This is one of my favorites yet. I love how you interweave political sayings with personal meanings. You know how I asked for advice on how to live on my blog? Well, I always find it here.

[Irene Gunther Weinstock]

Nice piece, Judi! Right on message as always! Irene