Oh, Brother

Many of my patients can never have their family members convene for a big family get-together. Why? Because relationships between their children are poisonous and it becomes impossible to have the siblings spend time together under the same roof. This is a very sad state of affairs and is very tragic for parents. Sometimes, the parents have wittingly or unwittingly contributed to the poison but, whether the parents have helped create the situation or not, it is a loss for everyone, especially the siblings’ children.

Perhaps it is not an accident that the first murder in the Bible is a fratricide. “I've interviewed people on marriage and religion and feminism, and I've never tapped such deep feeling as I did when I interviewed people about their siblings. Most people have not thought much about it before and when they do, it opens up the floodgates of emotion.” This is a quote from Frances Klagsbrun the author of Mixed Feelings: Love, Hate, Rivalry and Reconciliation Among Brothers and Sisters. Although a lot of ink has been spilled about the parent-child relationship, brothers and sisters comprise for the most part, uncharted and unwritten about terrain.

Research seems to indicate that sister–brother and sister–sister relationships do better than brother–brother relationships over the long haul. Siblings less than five years apart and siblings with close ties to their parents also tend to stay closer as they age. More blacks than whites have close relationships with their brothers or sisters in adulthood. By the time they are independent adults, about 80% of people say they are close with their siblings, 10% are apathetic and 10% say their relationships are hostile. Why does it matter?

For most people their brothers and sisters will be the people they have the longest relationships with. Unfortunately these relationships more often than not get stuck in childhood. The sibling who dominated as a 10 year-old still thinks he should run the family. If your sister/brother thought you were a loser when she/he was a teenager, she/he still thinks you are no matter what great things you have accomplished in adulthood. Parents, of course, can profoundly effect the sibling relationship. They can make things worse by reinforcing their own stereotypes of their brood: “He's the one who will get somewhere;” “She’s the most self-centered of the bunch;” “Some parent he's going to be!,” etc. 

Brothers and sisters are often in competition. And the competition is real. It starts out as a game for attention and love and then blossoms into a race for real goods: financial support, inherited items like jewelry and houses, etc. With competition comes jealousy. Going back to the Bible there is Jacob jockeying to inherit all the family goods by colluding with his mother and Joseph receiving the many-colored coat only to be deposited in the desert by his jealous brothers and then sold off as a slave. In neither case do we see any immediate remorse from the perfidious siblings. When I made my will I divided everything equally between my children. My lawyer said, "What if one is very wealthy and the other is a starving artist?" My reply was that I don't want one of my children to be wondering for the rest of their lives after I'm gone if I didn't really like the other one better. 

According to two New York Times articles, poor sibling relations are linked to relationship difficulties later in life. This makes sense to me: If you do not have the tools to resolve your earliest relationship, how will those skills improve over time?  Studies have shown that even parents who don't negatively impact the situation often don't help it either. Instead of giving the children the tools to work out conflicts and to openly discuss these conflicts, parents usually entertain the opinion that the kids will have to work out their problems themselves.

I lost my brother when he was 46 and I was 41. My brother was definitely one of my greatest boosters, a source of great joy and a well of fabulously-told dirty jokes. He was someone I spoke to a few times or more a week and whose opinion I valued. This was quite a trick, because my brother could be in Paris or Brazil. He was out for dinner with his numerous friends nearly every night of the week. He wrote music for shows, and had a typical performer's lifestyle, so while I was getting up at 6 am to go to work, he was just going to bed. Our awake hours just barely overlapped. He was an older brother, so of course he could be overbearing. He sent me a birthday card one year that said on the front “You are the greatest sister there is” and when you opened it, said “And I should know; I'm always right!” 

My brother was a very handsome, talented and gregarious guy. He had many admirers and was in our small-town newspaper frequently, often with an accompanying picture. I was very shy and often let my brother negotiate the outside world for me. Initially I was in awe of him and jealous of his talent, but as I got older, it became obvious to both of us that I made better decisions than he did and was a better judge of character. So after a certain age, my brother began to depend on my input and decision-making abilities. 

Siblings grow up in the same one-act play. They transverse the same landscape. My brother and I undoubtedly became close because my parents had a contentious relationship and we shared the secret of what a crazy place we came from. Our father had a raging temper and we helped each other navigate the treacherous surroundings. 

Dr Deborah Gold, who has researched siblings over 65 years old has found that positive relationships fall into three categories: “the loyal relationship” - we’re not friends, but I'll stick by you no matter what; “the congenial bond” - I like to socialize with you, but I don't depend on you for emotional support; and “the intimate relationship” - we are best friends and can ask each other to do things we would not ask others to do. My brother and I definitely had the intimate form. I moved through his final illness from AIDS with him and got a full perspective on what a 46 year-old person with a full life goes through on a day to day level when he knows he is dying. We died a little together.

Thus I find it heartbreaking to hear of people with healthy siblings who never want to see them again. There are definitely some siblings who lived under a reign of terror created by an older sibling and they don't want to be under this person's thumb again. Or the sibling who feels that whatever is yours is mine. Once established, patterns of sibling behavior are very difficult to alter. We are talking about altering a lifetime of repetitive, ritualized behavior. The chance that talking about it once as adults is going to change it, is small, perhaps futile. Very few people want to go into long-term therapy with their sibs! But all I can say is if you have brothers and sisters who are still living and breathing and you are not in contact with them, at least establishing a “congenial bond” might make the world a better place. It will make your parents feel whole again and might improve your own life as well. 

Comments

[Caroline Hagood]

This made me cry...a lot. You have somehow mixed important information with personal anecdote to convince me to be close to my siblings--even though I don't have any.

[Mary O'Connell]

This note made me think about my six siblings. i am the oldest, and in a large, Irish family, everyone has to fight to get attention from overwelmed parents. I know that these feelings have carried over into adulthood as you describe above. But, despite a lot of contenousness, one thread that can bring us together is laughter. Thanks for your post.

[Josephine Kuhl]

Love your blogs. I am so impressed with your humane and wise approach to your subjects. Not to mention how prolific you are. I particularly love reading about you and your brother as children. For me it helps to remember that my brothers and I were blessed and cursed by the same family even if our ages and our perceptions changed the experience. When I do, I understand them and love them better.
Often I think the primary problem is there wasn't enough, so everyone feels deprived or that someone else got more. This explains , to me, the bloody disputes over the remains when there is a death in the family.

[Sista Sasy]

this is a story that connects in my life now that my older schizophrenic brother has been placed in an adult residence - i have come to the end of my conversations with him - he and i will most likely have short one sentence exchanges - he is past the point of rehabilitation - but not past the point of receiving my love

[Account Deleted]

This article was one of the more interesting I have read.

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[Dr. Judith Weinstock]

Thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate them and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Ikedi]

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