Remember when you were a kid in grade school and summer vacation began? Remember how vast it appeared, almost infinite at the end of June? And then, seemingly out of nowhere, August would arrive. Suddenly you would realize only one more month of vacation was left. That date of return in September seemed to loom over and infect all of your activities thereafter. This is what it feels like to get to fifty and beyond. You look over the mountain and see the other side is in sight. There may be time and opportunity to accomplish your goals, but you realize you can’t fiddle-faddle about. That first day of school is looming and will arrive sooner than you think.
When we are under fifty, most ot us take things for granted. What things? Seeing, hearing, balance, free movement of our joints, being attractive to the opposite sex, living without pain, the ability to enjoy sex (women, you know what I am referring to), the idea that we are invulnerable, the idea that opportunity abounds and that we can accomplish just about anything if we put our minds to it. As we age the list of fix-ables and do-ables gets smaller and the list of “I can learn to live with it” gets longer. As time passes, the givens of youth become more tenuous and elusive. There are myriad ways our bodies sabotage us as we age. My mom said she knew her hearing and sight would get worse as she got older, but she never dreamed she would be the weight she is now—ever. Add to these corporeal losses the death of some dear friends and family members and it becomes difficult to look at life as anything but a series of losses.
It might seem curious then that an article in The New York Times recently stated that more middle-aged people report being happy than people in their twenties. This set me to thinking and I realized that those of us in our fifties and sixties have also had a few notches in the gains category:
1. A feeling of mastery in our chosen paths. Whether a homemaker or executive, one knows the ropes, knows how to accomplish his or her ends in an efficient and timely manner and feels he or she is making a difference. This mastery bestows a sense of pride.
2. Being part of a supportive social network, be it your own nuclear family, your close friends or those you work with. People in your circle know you and trust you and there is a feeling of mutual dependency. You no longer need to explain yourself.
3. Self-confidence. Most of us become more confident with our ability to survive and thrive as we age. This usually translates into an ability to be assertive without having to be aggressive. And that grey hair many of us bemoan does bestow a bit of authority that people seem to respond to.
4. Status. Feeling like what you do is important or that you are an important member of a community or family.
5. Wisdom. There is no doubt that having a little experience and perspective helps in decision-making. By a certain age people know what they want and, sometimes more importantly, what they don’t want. This makes choices easier as we get older.
So on the scale of living, there is the plus and the minus side. In his article “Useless But Valuable” [http://asithoughttobe.wordpress.com/2010/07/25/useless-but-valuable/] John Dunn describes three different approaches to the aging process. The first involves trying to look and act as young as you can; the second, the resignation that you are “going to die so what’s the point;” and the third being “useless, but valuable,” a phrase coined by Dunn’s wife. This last view was espoused by the author’s friend Alex, a priest in the Orthodox Church of America, who states he wants to spend less time on the front line and be more available for contemplative activities as he ages. He wants to be a guide, not a warrior.
This goes along with the feeling many of us have as we enter our late fifties and sixties that we are tired of dancing to the same tunes that have ruled our lives up to now. Time pressures and work stress become less tolerable. At this age most people want at least some portion of their lives on their own terms. This is why people may choose new jobs with lower pay that are more stimulating, or have shorter hours and more compatible workmates. Money and status as defined by the business world have less meaning as we age.
In January I left a practice with which I had been linked for 23 years. Although it was very stressful to start anew at age 58, it has been one of the most satisfying endeavors of my life. I now select my own employees, control my own hours and decide how my office is run. My work environment, once frenzied and fraught with tension and drama, is now pleasant and rewarding. I am making less money but I wouldn’t trade my new lifestyle for my old one for love or money or anything else I can think of. And like Alex the priest, I am enjoying having more time to write, to think and to communicate with my fellow human beings.
Alex suggested to Dunn that he read the journals of his mentor, the priest Alexander Schmemann (1921–83). [See http://www.schmemann.org] Schmemann wrote about transforming the “knowledge of death” into the “knowledge of life.” As we age we experience not just the “dying of the heart” but the “rising of the spirit.” Knowing our days are numbered can be limiting, but it can also be emancipating. As my grandmother said on her 75th birthday, “You’ll see, one day you will just turn around and be seventy-five.” So I suggest instead of bemoaning your age, rejoice in it. Join those of us who are sharing our knowledge and whatever wisdom we have accumulated and who continue to add value and satisfaction to our own lives. Try to glean what is really important to you as you get older because, as my grandmother pointed out, time IS of the essence. August is almost over and school will be starting soon.
When we are under fifty, most ot us take things for granted. What things? Seeing, hearing, balance, free movement of our joints, being attractive to the opposite sex, living without pain, the ability to enjoy sex (women, you know what I am referring to), the idea that we are invulnerable, the idea that opportunity abounds and that we can accomplish just about anything if we put our minds to it. As we age the list of fix-ables and do-ables gets smaller and the list of “I can learn to live with it” gets longer. As time passes, the givens of youth become more tenuous and elusive. There are myriad ways our bodies sabotage us as we age. My mom said she knew her hearing and sight would get worse as she got older, but she never dreamed she would be the weight she is now—ever. Add to these corporeal losses the death of some dear friends and family members and it becomes difficult to look at life as anything but a series of losses.
It might seem curious then that an article in The New York Times recently stated that more middle-aged people report being happy than people in their twenties. This set me to thinking and I realized that those of us in our fifties and sixties have also had a few notches in the gains category:
1. A feeling of mastery in our chosen paths. Whether a homemaker or executive, one knows the ropes, knows how to accomplish his or her ends in an efficient and timely manner and feels he or she is making a difference. This mastery bestows a sense of pride.
2. Being part of a supportive social network, be it your own nuclear family, your close friends or those you work with. People in your circle know you and trust you and there is a feeling of mutual dependency. You no longer need to explain yourself.
3. Self-confidence. Most of us become more confident with our ability to survive and thrive as we age. This usually translates into an ability to be assertive without having to be aggressive. And that grey hair many of us bemoan does bestow a bit of authority that people seem to respond to.
4. Status. Feeling like what you do is important or that you are an important member of a community or family.
5. Wisdom. There is no doubt that having a little experience and perspective helps in decision-making. By a certain age people know what they want and, sometimes more importantly, what they don’t want. This makes choices easier as we get older.
So on the scale of living, there is the plus and the minus side. In his article “Useless But Valuable” [http://asithoughttobe.wordpress.com/2010/07/25/useless-but-valuable/] John Dunn describes three different approaches to the aging process. The first involves trying to look and act as young as you can; the second, the resignation that you are “going to die so what’s the point;” and the third being “useless, but valuable,” a phrase coined by Dunn’s wife. This last view was espoused by the author’s friend Alex, a priest in the Orthodox Church of America, who states he wants to spend less time on the front line and be more available for contemplative activities as he ages. He wants to be a guide, not a warrior.
This goes along with the feeling many of us have as we enter our late fifties and sixties that we are tired of dancing to the same tunes that have ruled our lives up to now. Time pressures and work stress become less tolerable. At this age most people want at least some portion of their lives on their own terms. This is why people may choose new jobs with lower pay that are more stimulating, or have shorter hours and more compatible workmates. Money and status as defined by the business world have less meaning as we age.
In January I left a practice with which I had been linked for 23 years. Although it was very stressful to start anew at age 58, it has been one of the most satisfying endeavors of my life. I now select my own employees, control my own hours and decide how my office is run. My work environment, once frenzied and fraught with tension and drama, is now pleasant and rewarding. I am making less money but I wouldn’t trade my new lifestyle for my old one for love or money or anything else I can think of. And like Alex the priest, I am enjoying having more time to write, to think and to communicate with my fellow human beings.
Alex suggested to Dunn that he read the journals of his mentor, the priest Alexander Schmemann (1921–83). [See http://www.schmemann.org] Schmemann wrote about transforming the “knowledge of death” into the “knowledge of life.” As we age we experience not just the “dying of the heart” but the “rising of the spirit.” Knowing our days are numbered can be limiting, but it can also be emancipating. As my grandmother said on her 75th birthday, “You’ll see, one day you will just turn around and be seventy-five.” So I suggest instead of bemoaning your age, rejoice in it. Join those of us who are sharing our knowledge and whatever wisdom we have accumulated and who continue to add value and satisfaction to our own lives. Try to glean what is really important to you as you get older because, as my grandmother pointed out, time IS of the essence. August is almost over and school will be starting soon.
I like this a lot Judi--do you think it would be okay, though to get a tatoo?
Posted by: Mitch Levenberg | 08/11/2010 at 07:54 PM
Wow, what a powerful post. This makes me feel better about getting older, being the age you mention (late 50s, 60s). You describe how Alex the priest wants to be a guide, not a warrior. I understand the sentiment but on the other hand I feel like the wise, experienced ones, even if aged, frequently make the best warriors, despite the overwhelming fatigue they might endure in battle. I might be taking this metaphor a little too far...Also, I'd like to read a post that gives insight in how to reflect on being my current age, 29....
Posted by: Adriel Gerard | 08/11/2010 at 08:05 PM
I think this is my favorite post yet. I feel like I have some of the wisdom of being older just from having read this. I'm so proud of the person you've become.
P.S. who's the cute guy above?
Posted by: Caroline Hagood | 08/12/2010 at 06:13 AM
Great insight. A doctor who listens and wants to understand is a true gift.
Important piece!
Posted by: Eileen Michaels | 08/18/2010 at 07:21 PM
Here I am, about 14 or so years your senior, thinking "Wait until you get to be my age!" But you've got it so right. I remember when I had my first existential crisis. I was 32, lying on a bed in my rented room in London. "Wow," I thought, "this isn't going to be infinite. It has a shape. It's going to end." The realization affected me profoundly, but of course, as you say, it gets somewhat more immediate as you age. You, as a physician, are so well positioned to comment on the value of living in the here and now. And isn't it a relief to let go of some of those ambitions? Thanks for this great piece of wisdom.
Erica Harth
Posted by: Erica Harth | 08/22/2010 at 11:13 AM